pixie_elf: (Default)
Yay. My family decided that no, I cannot stay at the hotel with Nathaniel. I am about to be Twenty-Fucking-One. My god.

It's not that that I'm pissed off the most about.

I'm pissed because three months ago.... THREE FUCKING MONTHS AGO Mom PROMISED she'd find a way to make this happen.

And what's she saying now?

5 Days.


I told them a fucking WEEK IN ADVANCE he'll be buying them.

They said I never talked to them about it... WHY THE FUCK AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS TO BRING IT UP? That's not fucking on me. They have responsibility in this too. And if they were trying to be responsible then they should have brought it up months ago.

I'm pissed off.

Very pissed off.

They kept saying how messed up I've been of late.

Well gee I know the Compazine fucked me over.

They said I had judgement making problems.

They said I'm impulsive.

That I do shit without thinking so I'm going to do something wrong.

They said I needed a therapyst.

Because in the past few weeks Mom has been harsh on me and told me shit when she was angry that upset me. Shit that wasn't true and I'm never allowed to say you're wrong because I'm told to shut up. Wow. You really want me to talk to a therapyst about that? They'd chew her ass out and put her right in therapy with me. Good idea.

Don't fucking pull your shit on me making this my fault and mine alone. You could have brought it up too.

So I guess this means I'm not trusted.

And Apparantly unless Nathaniel can come up with enough money to cover the hotel (Which I'm not sure WHAT that will be but I know the full price will be between $359-390 or so for 10 days, because they can apparantly only pay for 5 when they promised the full 10...) We're fucked. Great going guys.

I told you we should save up.

Did you listen? No.

I also planned this out so I wouldn't be going and doing a fuck of a lot that would tire me out.

And yet I'm the one that's irresponsible, fucks shit up, and apparantly is untrustworthy.

I'm about ready to say fuck you. You may be my parents and I may love you but I'm about to be 21. I have the right to go to that room and sleep in it if I want to.

What they also don't think about is it'd give them days to work on my room. Days that they could get that fucking mess cleaned up without making me ill because of the dust. But does that matter? No. What matters is that I'll fuck shit up and sleep with him because I'm obviously an impulsive idiot who couldn't POSSIBLY decide to wait and carry that through. Goody.

Wow, you really put trust in me. You really make me feel all happy about who I am and what I am. I think things out carefully guys, very carefully and I think about things a lot. You want to talk about reality? You could have brought it up. So it's not just on my head. It's on yours.

I don't recall ever being this angry at Mama or Papa before but I am so fucking angry. It's all my fault I guess, because I'm so irresponsible.
pixie_elf: (Default)
Okay, at this point I am a giggly loon.

I'm not sure WHY but I seem to have recieved some form of a high from...I'm not sure what.

Note: I've not ate in about 12 hours, and have BARELY drank any water, just enough to get my meds down...

My family is worried about my gallbladder...

Meh? To be honest I am too, but at this point thanks to whatever's affecting me I'm too giggly to care ^^;

I feel so stupid, Happy, and Numb...

Whee. Tho I'm not in severe pain anymore, it's dull still, but not as bad ^_^;

I also had a fucked up dream where I was partially trapped in a cat's body... Panther, tho... I've had dreams similar to that before, that I was a damned panther stuck in the woods, running, circling, about to pounce on something ^_^;

But this was different...

I was trapped in a hospital.

Why? I have no clue. Another strange thing was in part of the dream was my wrists were cut, but, not by me... apparantly, someone was after me, and another panther came along and we both lashed out at the captors.

Later on in the dream it turned out I was a nurse and judge judy was there, Dunno why she was either but it was fucking weird. :-=
pixie_elf: (Default)
At this point I'm not even angry. I feel no anger just... Deep sadness. I'm crying silently at this point. I just... it just hit me. I haven't felt good for the past... oh... hour and a half or so mentally. maybe 2 hours. The littlest thing made me sad.

I feel... I dont know what the fuck I feel at this point but I just feel like if I locked myself in my room for the next 7 days so no one could speak to me it'd be best because I couldn't irritate anyone / bother anyone and I wouldn't suddenly cry all over them because... just...


I just want it to go away.

I want this feeling to go away.

I just want to curl up in a ball and wait until this is over to feel normal again.

i'm sorry if i'm bothering you or a burden or clinging to tightly. it's my period causing me to be so fucking needy or distant or just to pull away and the burden part... well.
That part can be fixed easily. heh.
pixie_elf: (Default)
So irritated.

Another ear infection.


It's causing me to have dizzy spells and shit. Not fun. Grr. It only popped up today because the last time I checked my ears was yesterday and they were FINE.

Good news though... I think I wanna grow up to be an acupuncturist. Heh. That way I could at least do my own freaking shit. XD

I dunno if I put it in here but I got a Tarot Deck, it's a faerie one, but, what I really want is a Rider-Waite deck. (It's The Fairy Ring one, but I have no idea which cards corrispond to which in the normal Tarot deck. Urgh.) And we've had hell finding one around here ^_^;; Aiya.

Whee! ^_^


pixie_elf: (Default)

March 2016

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