pixie_elf: (Default)
Gods I miss Nathaniel. I miss his stormy darj eyes, I miss looking into those beautiful eyes. He has such a beepable Nose... And the most kissable lips...Oh... and he knows how to use them... But they''e absoluotely kissable....

He feels so good laying against me when we slept together.... I loved it when he'd sleep with his face buried in my chest... I miss listening to his breathing.... I miss holding him...

He's gonna find a way to move down here. :D It doesn't make the pain any easier to deal with...but it does make me happy to know it. I love you Nathaniel.
pixie_elf: (Default)
Yay. My family decided that no, I cannot stay at the hotel with Nathaniel. I am about to be Twenty-Fucking-One. My god.

It's not that that I'm pissed off the most about.

I'm pissed because three months ago.... THREE FUCKING MONTHS AGO Mom PROMISED she'd find a way to make this happen.

And what's she saying now?

5 Days.

THE TICKETS ARE NON FUCKING REFUNDABLE.

I told them a fucking WEEK IN ADVANCE he'll be buying them.

They said I never talked to them about it... WHY THE FUCK AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS TO BRING IT UP? That's not fucking on me. They have responsibility in this too. And if they were trying to be responsible then they should have brought it up months ago.

I'm pissed off.

Very pissed off.

They kept saying how messed up I've been of late.

Well gee I know the Compazine fucked me over.

They said I had judgement making problems.

They said I'm impulsive.

That I do shit without thinking so I'm going to do something wrong.

They said I needed a therapyst.

Because in the past few weeks Mom has been harsh on me and told me shit when she was angry that upset me. Shit that wasn't true and I'm never allowed to say you're wrong because I'm told to shut up. Wow. You really want me to talk to a therapyst about that? They'd chew her ass out and put her right in therapy with me. Good idea.

Don't fucking pull your shit on me making this my fault and mine alone. You could have brought it up too.

So I guess this means I'm not trusted.

And Apparantly unless Nathaniel can come up with enough money to cover the hotel (Which I'm not sure WHAT that will be but I know the full price will be between $359-390 or so for 10 days, because they can apparantly only pay for 5 when they promised the full 10...) We're fucked. Great going guys.

I told you we should save up.

Did you listen? No.

I also planned this out so I wouldn't be going and doing a fuck of a lot that would tire me out.

And yet I'm the one that's irresponsible, fucks shit up, and apparantly is untrustworthy.

I'm about ready to say fuck you. You may be my parents and I may love you but I'm about to be 21. I have the right to go to that room and sleep in it if I want to.

What they also don't think about is it'd give them days to work on my room. Days that they could get that fucking mess cleaned up without making me ill because of the dust. But does that matter? No. What matters is that I'll fuck shit up and sleep with him because I'm obviously an impulsive idiot who couldn't POSSIBLY decide to wait and carry that through. Goody.

Wow, you really put trust in me. You really make me feel all happy about who I am and what I am. I think things out carefully guys, very carefully and I think about things a lot. You want to talk about reality? You could have brought it up. So it's not just on my head. It's on yours.

I don't recall ever being this angry at Mama or Papa before but I am so fucking angry. It's all my fault I guess, because I'm so irresponsible.
pixie_elf: (Default)
I feel like a complete and utter bitch at the moment. Not for what I've said.... But for what I wanted to say...

I'm torn between crying, and screaming at anyone who tries to touch me or give me affection...

I'm in a horrid mood right now and even had the urge to snap at people who don't deserve it.

I hate it when I feel so fucking bad that it makes me want to just lock myself up in a room and make sure no one can get to me so I CAN'T hurt anyone. At this point I just want to scream at myself for wanting to be mean. For wanting to say things that are aimed at people who care about me and are just trying to make me feel better...

Why the fuck can't the bitchy side of me just go the fuck away? I don't like it. It rarely serves a good purpose. I just want to hide until this mood blows over.

I'm going to sleep now. heh. Either that or going to lay down and be angry at myself for not controlling it better.

And the funny thing is it feels like this is going to be one of those days where NOTHING goes right...
pixie_elf: (Default)
Whee. I've been in a creative mood lately. Poetic, Painting, beading, you name it, I've been doing it. ^_^;; Mostly the writing though.

Right now I feel sick. I hate my period at the moment. Meh. I feel icky because I've had 3 in the last month...

But I am tired of being your Savior,
And I am tired of telling you why.


I warned you. I tried to warn you. You chose not to listen to me. I wash my hands of this. What you choose to do to him and to yourself is your own choice. You were warned about how I felt. You were warned what would happen. How am I to blame if you won't listen to more than one person's warnings? Oh well. You'll learn soon enough what you want and by then it may be too late. Either way things between our friendship I think are frozen at this point. They will not get any better nor any worse on my part. Maybe on yours because I'm withdrawing myself, but I've got good reason to. Your hurts will not be my fault this time around. There is a reason I've done things the way I've done them. Done is done, I cannot undo them. Either way the only thing I may do is stand by them. I stand by what I said because it's the truth. Nothing good will come of rehashing all of these things...

It matters not to me now what you do. I love you but I won't watch you allow yourself to be destroyed. Maybe you didn't realize it but BLIND faith has gotten you nothing so far. What makes you think blindly obeying someone yet again will make good come to you?

You made your choice, and I am making mine, to force myself not to fucking bother telling the complete truth to you until you've gotten your act together. I had a backup plan in order, so what does it matter? I was hurt at first. Very hurt, but you know what? Now I'm just annoyed. Now I'm just angry. I'll get over it, sooner or later, once I'm prooved right I'll get over it and the anger will go away... heh.

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Pixie-elf

March 2016

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